033 - Grasshopper

[deadly_ned]

I realize this is sort of coming out of left field. It's so far left that it's left the field and into the parking lot adjacent to said field.

But.


Is there anyone here who could help me build a catapult?


It's for a friend.

Comments

[deadly_ned]

Papier mache can't accurately fling a soccer ball down the length of a football field.

Dean, asking me to build Arthas a catapult out of papier mache is like giving you a Hot Wheels Happy Meal toy and calling it a Chevy Impala.

[surfaceshine]

Okay, wow, there's no need to talk like that.

I'll let it slide this one time. But only because we're friends.

[deadly_ned]

Sorry. Extreme example.

[surfaceshine]

Extreme extreme example.

But I know you didn't mean it.

[deadly_ned]

No, of course not. My mistake.

Still, we can't have it be papier mache. Can I use the maintenance room for tools?

[surfaceshine]

Yeah, but I need to keep an eye on 'em when they leave the office.

[deadly_ned]

Would you like to come and watch me build it? That way you can supervise.

[surfaceshine]

That is exactly what I'm saying, yes.

[deadly_ned]

That's great!

That's great. We can make a lunch date out of it.

[surfaceshine]

Sure. Why not. My social calendar is wide open.

[deadly_ned]

Have you ever built anything like this before?

[surfaceshine]

A weapon of mass destruction from the medieval ages?

No, can't say as I have. I did build an EMF meter from a walkman once, though. And I built a guillotine for Sammy's third grade science fair one year.

[deadly_ned]

A guillotine?

Why did you build him a guillotine?

[surfaceshine]

Did I not just say it was for a science fair? C'mon, Squeaker, keep up.

[deadly_ned]

Most people build a soda bottle tornado or a baking soda volcano.

[surfaceshine]

Yeah, well, most people are lame. We were trying to win, right?

[deadly_ned]

Did you?

[surfaceshine]

'Course we did. Whaddayou take me for, a fair loser?

You wouldn't be asking that if you'd ever met Sammy.

[deadly_ned]

What's Sammy like?

I mean, I have younger brothers. Twin half brothers. But I've only known them a few months.

[surfaceshine]

I remember.

I... Sam's Sam. I just.

Smartest person I know. Absorbs shit like a sponge, keeps it like cement. Most stubborn asshole I know, too. And he's got this puppy eye thing going on that beats yours out by a country mile.

Sorry, Squeaker.

[deadly_ned]

No, it's. I don't mind. It's not something I ever expected to be the best in. Or even mediocre in.

Really? He's the most stubborn? Stubborner than Arthas?

[surfaceshine]

Oh, you're pretty good, but I grew up with the best. It's a tall order. ...Literally.

Definitely more stubborn than Arthas. You can at least bribe Arthas when he's gotten into a mood. My kid brother doesn't budge for heaven, hell, high water, or end of days. Not until he's good and ready.

[deadly_ned]

I'm pretty tall. I think I'm taller than you.

That's...pretty stubborn. Doesn't he believe in compromises?

[surfaceshine]

So's he. [And this will never not annoy Dean.] Hard to say if he's taller'n you, but he's up there at least.

I'm really not sure he knows what that word is.

[deadly_ned]

That's unfortunate. I wish I had better advice to offer but you've been at the big brother game longer than I have.