deadly_ned | 033 - Grasshopper

033 - Grasshopper

I realize this is sort of coming out of left field. It's so far left that it's left the field and into the parking lot adjacent to said field.

But.

Is there anyone here who could help me build a catapult?

It's for a friend.

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It's more of a comfort...Iron Age siege pillow of a thing.

Is that supposed to make it better? That doesn't really make it better.

[That might actually make it weirder. Weird is interesting.]

Has anyone offered to help you yet who might actually be helpful?

[Not that she can't hear most of the other conversations going on, but it's his assessment of them that she wants.]

Spock and Rogue. They're both very helpful kinds of people.

I've spoken with Spock before. He has a fascinating mind.

[Which is putting it mildly.]

You know... I think I have a book that might help you. Assuming none of you have built a catapult before?

He also really likes pie.

[This is important, okay]

I haven't. I can't say about the others. Which book?

Who doesn't like pie?

[It's pie. She sounds genuinely confused on this point.]

The book was a gift. A joke, I think. It's all about the tipping point in famous historical wars. It goes into great detail about the weaponry used.

[Natasha switches to speakerphone as she moves. Footsteps, pages turning, fingernails tapping the hard cover.]

Yes. The 1346 siege of Caffa. Introduction of the Black Plague to Europe. Cherry stuff. There's a very nice diagram here.

Chuck's father. He's a cake person.

[It's still a sore subject]

Oh. That's...actually perfect. Really, really perfect.

No. No, I get liking cake. I like cake. Big fan of Italian wedding cake. I don't get not liking pie, though.

[There's a loud-ish kind of bang as she snaps the book shut.]

You're welcome to borrow the book.

To be fair, I think it was less about the pie and more about the fact that it was me making the pie.

I'd love to borrow the book.

You're, ah. Welcome to come and watch, if you want. I can't promise how interesting it'll be.

[So it's about something more. Which makes sense. Because pie. Some part of the story that Natasha doesn't know.]

Three novices trying to build a siege weapon? I'll bring popcorn.

[She's definitely going to come watch.]

So, what's wrong with your pies?

[By which she means: "What's wrong with you?"]

You can share it with Dean. I think he wants to watch too.

He thinks pies are simple. Cake is complex, with layers. But pie is home and people always come home.

[The Piemaker is forever sulky about this]

Also I tend to work with rotten fruit.

You had me until rotten fruit.

[Natasha's eaten enough questionable food in her life, the thought of eating purely for survival now is extremely distasteful.]

It's not rotten when it goes in. I bring it back to life.

But the same magic that does that also killed him. I killed him. Accidentally. When I was ten.

Of course you do.

[Her disbelief has been suspended so hard and so many times, it's not going to get out of high school until it's thirty.]

I'm pretty sure I'd hate the pie, too, if it forcibly reminded me that the baker had killed me. Accident or not.

I also brought him back to life twenty years later. Accidentally.

And...told him I was dating his only child. Who I can kill with a single touch.

And then he stole my car.

You know, I'd think you were making it all up, but... why would anyone? Besides, we all have crazy stories here.

Was it a nice car?

[Natasha has her priorities.]

It was about twelve years old and the brakes squeaked. But it was mine.

Twenty years dead. That's a lot of time to lose. I think one could make the argument that you owe him a lot more than one crappy old car, which kind of makes it his now.

Did he leave the only child you were dating?

I don't owe him anything. It was an accident, I was ten, I didn't know what I was doing and my mother had died.

And he did. He asked her to choose between him and me.

And Chuck chose you? That's good news. Better than a car. [For people who get all melty over that stuff.]

Take it as a win. Besides, now you get to go car shopping. Bad coffee, free danish, making salesmen wet themselves, new car smell. Everybody loves new car smell.

[It might be something to note that Natasha doesn't do anything with the dead mother comment. It's... not a sore subject, exactly, but she avoids discussions of family.]

She did. But I'm sure she feels terrible and guilty and upset. It wasn't..long after that that I came to the Barge.

At least I don't need to make all the custom adjustments all over again.

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033 - Grasshopper

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