039 - French Apple Cream Cheese

[deadly_ned]

[Spam for Crichton]
[The facts were these.

Six hours, fourteen minutes, and eleven seconds ago, the lights on the Barge had gone out. Holding his breath in the middle of his dark room, the Piemaker considered what this might mean for him. In the regular, normal, sane world he arrived from, a light going out could mean anything from someone about to bring in a birthday cake lit with candles, to a neglected electricity bill. Most scenarios were generic and harmless.

This was the Barge, where every disturbance in the status quo usually met catastrophe. The Piemaker half expected to go up on deck and see a gigantic Leviathan wrapped around the ship and attempting to drag it out of the skies.

He set his hand on Digby's head and scratched the playful golden retriever's head with care. His pack was kept close, in the inevitable but still regretful promised future occurrence of being sucked out of the Barge and unceremoniously dumped onto the port authority building's roof.

Six hours later, and this was more or less how it happened.

The Piemaker stirred, shifting in the dank dark dampness of the cavern. His arm was flopped over the face of another, bare skin touching a nose, lips, eyebrows. The Piemaker tended not to pass out gracefully.

He sat up slowly, pulling his offending arm back. Why the Admiral couldn't simply dock was a challenge for another day.

He turned to address his neighbor, and....stopped.

Horrified silence came next.

For lying next to him was astronaut and friend John Crichton, whom the Piemaker had touched back ot life and who he had made sworn never to come near him again, lest Crichton lose his alive-again gift and suffer the death toll anyway.

And his hand - his bare hand - was touching Crichton's face.

The Piemaker let out a low, soft groan of regret, guilt, and misery.]

No, no no, no.

[He whispered, grasping the man by his shirt.]

Oh no. Oh god, I'm so....so sorry. John, I'm sorry.

I've...I've killed you.

Comments

[neverfeltbetter]

[John, meanwhile, is only knocked out, like the rest of them were when the ship came in for it's 'graceful' landing at port. Luckily, he'd managed to get a hand on his pack as he was blacking out, and has thus dragged it with him to wherever they are presently.

He wakes now, to the sound of poor Ned declaring that he's killed him. And...grabbing him by his front.]

AGH! NED!

[He goes dead still. He doesn't dare move for fear that one little brush of skin will be enough to put his lights out for good, at least until he wakes back up feeling the hole he used to have in his chest.]

What are you doing?! Are you trying to kill me?!

[deadly_ned]

[With a startled yelp, the Piemaker stills his hand, hovering just above Crichton's face. His eyes are wide with terror - what's happening?]

....Zom...bie...?


John. John, listen to me very carefully.

Do you feel a stirring, an...urge towards brains of any kind?

[neverfeltbetter]

[Crichton gapes at him for what must be a full ten seconds while he tries to decide if that's supposed to be a joke or not.]

NO! Ned, what... the hell are you talking about?!

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker frowns now, reaching out to gently tap Crichton on the forehead.

And again.

And once more for good luck]


...Are we...dead?

[neverfeltbetter]

[Crichton flinches his eyes shut, then...nothing happens. He's still here, and breathing. He opens his eyes back up just as Ned taps again. Then again. Then he swats Ned's finger away, annoyed.]

Cut that out already! We got the picture; I'm still here.

[They aren't, are they? Dead? This isn't how he imagined hell would look.]

If we were dead we wouldn't be here, would we? We'd be back on the Barge. Isn't that how it works?

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker takes his hand back, biting his lip anxiously. It's not like he wants Crichton dead, but...he wants things to make sense. Things are not making sense]

I'm not sure how it works. But my powers aren't working. Or they are, but. Just not on you.


We woke up here. Wherever here...is.

[neverfeltbetter]

For the moment, I'm just gonna be grateful they aren't.

[Crichton looks around the place, but there's not much to see. Dark rough walls, barely even distinguishable. He could see Nothing at all past the little circle of his night vision.]

Is this the port? It's like we're underground.

[He gropes around for his pack, until he finds it. He unlatches it and roots around inside for the book of matches he'd swiped from the bar to put in there, just in case. He strikes the first one and smiles over at Ned.]

Always be prepared, right?

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker in turn squints up at the darkness, helpless when it comes to dank, dark places. He has a lantern, but it's got limited oil and was intended only to last a few short hours each night: not entire days]

Maybe we're under the actual port. Maybe everyone else is up top and we need to...find a way to get up top too.

[He smiles a bit at the matches, giving a nod]

That's the Boy Scout motto.

[neverfeltbetter]

Too bad I was never actually a Boy Scout, but we'll make do.

[Nice of the Admiral to throw them underground like this. His confidence in their employer is ever improved by these wonderful situations.]

Come on, if we want to get out of here and find the others we need light, and one match book ain't gonna do it. Let's see if there's anything around here we can burn. Maybe make a torch.

[deadly_ned]

I was. Briefly.

[The Piemaker has, by now, grown used to the nonsense the Admiral pulls. He squints in the dark, beginning to edge forward warily into the muck and the overgrowth coming up from the cracks in the rocks. He reaches into a wall crevice, digging around]

I feel some...thing....Maybe a tree root? Do tree roots stretch all the way down here?


[With a swift, hard yank, the Piemaker pulls out....a leg bone, with funeral cloth still wrapped around it.]


Oh.

[neverfeltbetter]

That what I think it is?

[Of all the things, it had to be a bone? Damn, he's probably going to go to hell for this but...]

Give it here. It's better than nothing.

[Crichton holds his hand out to take it, trying not to think too hard about this while he does. Once he has it, he will proceed to light the scrap of fabric with the final wisp of his first match.]

[deadly_ned]

This looks exactly like what you think it is. And my powers definitely are not working. I'd be holding something with...a lot more flesh, if it was.

[He grimaces, but hands the bone over to Crichton]


That's....

Actually, that's pretty inventive. If you ignore the whole violation of the concept of rest-in-peace.

[neverfeltbetter]

[Ew.]

I'm glad those powers of your are on the fritz, especially if we find more of these.

[He gestures with the flaming bone. It is a little disappointing, since it means they will have to keep being careful when they get back to the ship.]

Hopefully whoever it is will forgive me. Come on, this scrap isn't going to last forever. I think I see a passageway over this way. We can see where it leads.

[deadly_ned]

[Hefting his pack to one shoulder, the Piemaker nods and heads forward into the darkness. He keeps close to Crichton, better to not stumble over loose rocks in the dark, and keeps his eyes trained ahead. He's not precisely a fan of the dark]

So, uhm.

You've camped before. Right?

[neverfeltbetter]

Don't worry. I've had to rough it before, but not in a cave. This could be tricky. If we don't find a way out of here, we will have to think about resources.

[They come to a sharp drop off in the path. Across the gap, the path continues up, but it's a dicy jump at best. A nasty fall if they miss.]

I think I get now why we have climbing gear in those packs.

[deadly_ned]

We'll have a way out. If we don't have to find our way back to the Barge. Sometimes it just sort of...pulls us back.

[He stops at the edge of the drop, staring down into the chasm. His face takes on a sickly greenish pallor at the idea of leaping across it]

I've been camping. Never hiking. Hiking seemed the far more dangerous version.

Baking pies strangely doesn't prepare you for this sort of demanding physical activity.

[neverfeltbetter]

Sometimes, or always?

[Crichton leans out over the edge to take a look. It's too dark to even see where it ends, so he does what every novice cave spelunker does, he spits into the darkness and waits to hear it hit bottom. He never hears anything.]

Don't think down is an option.

[That's when he notices the shade that Ned has turned. Oh boy...this oughtta be good.]

No, I guess it wouldn't. Not afraid of heights are you Ned?

[deadly_ned]

Always. But sometimes can be the exception to the rule. The Admiral isn't exactly predictable.

[The Piemaker wisely decides not to comment on all the spitting. He bites his lip, watching Crichton play around by the hole]

...No. No, not heights.

But the thought of dying down there doesn't appeal.

[neverfeltbetter]

I'm not too thrilled about the idea either. We could go back to the cavern and see if there's another way?

[Though he worries that those other ways might lead down and in instead of up and out.]

But let me ask you: how likely is it that you can make that jump?

[Crichton thinks he can do it himself in a pinch, but there's no point trying if Ned can't make it is there?]

[deadly_ned]

[He weighs the distance in front of him, doubt flooding his expression. The Piemaker was never a physical sort of person: he can leap tall buildings in a pinch, but not constantly. What if there were more leaps in the future?]

I can try. This might come as somewhat of a surprise but I'm not usually the jumping kind of person.

But I can try.

[neverfeltbetter]

[Nope. He's not all that surprised.]

I'm fairly sure I can make it assuming the other side is solid. If you got your doubts I could go across ahead and throw you the rope. I can anchor it on that side and you can tie it around you; that way if you don't make it I can pull you back. How's that sound?

[deadly_ned]

[He leans over the ravine, looking first to it and then back to Crichton]

And.

What if you don't make it?

[neverfeltbetter]

Then I see you back on the ship a little later, right? That's how it works?

[He takes a moment to really think about what he just said. God, now even he isn't taking death seriously anymore. Yeah, it'll hurt but he'll come back like everyone does. Now suddenly ...he's willing to accept that?]

And you'll have to find a different way out. Not really hoping for that outcome.

[deadly_ned]

That's not an optimal solution.

What if you jump with the rope attached to me?

[neverfeltbetter]

[Crichton looks at Ned and then back to himself. Then back to Ned again. He's seeing a significant difference in weights here. Seriously, does Ned eat?]

If I fall attached to you, Bean Pole, I'll drag up both down over.

[He looks around a little.]

Unless you find something to anchor onto. Maybe that jagged rock over there might work.

[He digs through his pack, pulling out the rope and checking how long it is. Well, good news is there's plenty of slack to work with.]

Okay, it's the best plan we got so far. What do you say?

[deadly_ned]

[It's true: The Piemaker is pathetically skinny. As lean as he is, though, he's deceptively strong. Or at least he doesn't have issue with picking up small women and running with them to safety.

But Olive Snook was significally less weighty than the leathery bulk that was Crichton, so it was difficult to say. Did rolling out dough day in and day out build muscle?

He inches over to the rock as instructed, looking it over for any clue it might give to magic weight-sustaining power]


...I think you're right. It's the best plan we have.

What have we got to lose? Except our lives.

[neverfeltbetter]

Ha ha yeah...

[Oh god, let this work. He doesn't want his first death toll to feel like one hundred broken bones. With that in mind, Crichton drops his pack on the ground, ties off the rope around his waist, double checking, and then tosses the other end to Ned.]

Okay, just wrap your end around the rock, and hold it if I put any tension on it.

[Like, for example, if he falls.]

All you gotta do is hang on. I passed rope climbing class in High school. I'll get myself back up.

[He walks to the edge, then backs up so he can get a running start.]

You ready?

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker, catching the rope, does as instructed. He ties the other end to the rock by looping around it several times, pulling it taunt]

I always skipped gym.

Ready.

[neverfeltbetter]

[Somehow he's not surprised by that either.]

Okay, here goes nothing.

[He runs for it, makes the leap and manages to land right on the lip of the ledge. His arms wobble, seeking balance, but he finds it and takes a step forward to safety.]

Whew, close one. Told you I could make it. The ground feels plenty solid over here so I think it's fine to proceed. Pass over the packs and then tie the rope onto you. Same drill only I'll hold the end this time.

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker gives an alarmed start as Crichton wobbles - though what he was expecting to do from the other side of the ledge is anyone's guess - but settles down in relief when the other man catches his balance]

You want me to throw the packs? Or loop them down the rope?

[neverfeltbetter]

Come on Ned, you're strong enough to just toss 'em aren't you? We don't have a whole lot more time before this torch runs out. Just throw them to me and get over here.

[deadly_ned]

Sorry. Right. You're right.

Sorry.

[He reaches down to pick up the first pack, holding it up for Crichton to see, before very gently and carefully lobbing it over the gap. The second one follows neatly after.

And now comes the real test.

The Piemaker looks to the rope uneasily, untying it from the rock and looping it twice around his waist. He has no idea if he's doing it right]

[neverfeltbetter]

[Crichton catches both packs easily and sets them to the side. He takes his half of the rope and loops it behind him, but he doesn't tie it on. He stands far back from the ledge in a wide low stance, ready for the pull that will try to shake his balance if Ned misses the jump.]

Okay, you tied on? I'm ready for you over here. You can do this Ned, I believe in you man.

[deadly_ned]

I'm tied on.

[A deep breath. Backing up for room, and then the leap]


[And he makes it. Just barely. Those long legs had to be good for something. But the Piemaker looks as surprised as he feels, stunned that he's not flat as a pancake a hundred feet below]

[neverfeltbetter]

[Once Crichton is sure Ned has fully gained his balance, he lets the rope loose and walks over to meet him.]

Knew you could make it!

[He almost claps Ned on the shoulder but stops short just before doing it. Uh uh, bad habit to get into, even if he's safe for the moment.]

Alright. That's hurdle one. We better wind up that rope and get moving. Lot more to go before we are out if this mess.

[ooc: I'm thinking time skip if we want to keep going?]

[deadly_ned]

[Definitely!]

[the Piemaker gives a shaky grin at the catch, heart pounding. He nods, turning to wind up the rope]

Onward and upward.

[Before they both die horribly, is the unstated sentence]