006 - Sour Apple

[deadly_ned]

What do you do when you're living in a wide-awake nightmare and every single breath you take you wish with all the desperation you have that you could undo something you once did but didn't mean to because you didn't understand the consequences?

I know things are better now that I'm on the Barge but I don't know how long it's going to be until I can wake up without feeling panicked that it's all been nothing but a dream or that the Admiral will look at me and think I don't deserve to be here any longer.

And I don't know how precarious my position really is. We're all just...teetering, waiting for gravity to catch up with us until we take the final plunge and I know this is morbid but that's who I am. Morbid...Ned, who's surrounded by death and can't get away from it.

Maybe I just need sleeping pills.

[Ned is Affected by the flood and is more of a basket case than usual. He's been an unwilling guest of the American government since he was nine and revealed his secret gift and for the last twenty years has been a neurotic shut-in with limited access to non-military personnel. And he doesn't bake pies.]

Comments

[bitteraftertaste]

Have you been talking to someone about all this?

[deadly_ned]

"All this" is a long and boring story and I don't know who'd care to hear it or how it would help or why they would want to know.

And the reason I'm only saying it here and now is that sometimes the build-up I'm biting my tongue against builds up so much that it spills out in a flood.

Like word vomit.

...What I'm saying is that I'm just. Vomiting words right now and it'll stop soon.

[bitteraftertaste]

I'm sure we have someone on board with some sort of background in psychology. I don't see what the harm in talking to them about it would be.

[deadly_ned]

The reason I'm so miserable now is because I shared a secret I shouldn't have.

I don't know why sharing it again would make everything better.

[bitteraftertaste]

Because sometimes it helps to find someone to help you share the burden of whatever it was.

[deadly_ned]

Contrary to popular belief, sharing burdens between two people doesn't lessen the load. It only makes the worry twice as much.

[bitteraftertaste]

I haven't found that to be the case.

[deadly_ned]

Is it a habit of yours to share burdens, or to take other burdens that don't belong to you?

Because I think that would qualify as stealing.

[bitteraftertaste]

Not if the other person is willing to share it with you. And no, it's not, particularly, but I've found it's better to be honest with people when you're struggling than try to hold everything up by yourself until you collapse under the weight of it.

[deadly_ned]

Lives have been ruined by honesty. I'd rather collapse like a deflated balloon than go up in flames.

[bitteraftertaste]

And some lives have been saved with it.

[deadly_ned]

Are you always this optimistic? What's wrong with lies and secrets? Everyone has them and the world isn't completely dead.

[bitteraftertaste]

You asked what you do when you feel this way, and I'm offering a possible solution. If you don't like it, that's your business, but I'm not sure what pointing out the obvious to me is really going to accomplish.

[deadly_ned]

Yes.


Yes, you're right. I'm...sorry.


I just don't know what talking and honesty would do when talking and honesty is what started everything.

[bitteraftertaste]

Because talking to the right person can help in these situations. Obviously I don't know the details, but in some ways, the Barge is a relatively safer space than some of our homes, and it might be worthwhile to at least consider the possible benefits of sharing what's going on with someone else.

[deadly_ned]

But who's the right person?

[bitteraftertaste]

Someone you trust, usually.

[deadly_ned]

There's nobody I trust.

I know you're trying to help but I think I'll stick with the sleeping pills.

[godsays]

Don't forget to breathe.

[deadly_ned]

Sorry. Too much too fast?

[godsays]

I mean that it helps.

Most people breathe from the top of the lungs. Shallow. The human body is made to breathe better from the bottom of the lungs. It gives you more air, a clearer and calmer mind.

[ A pause. ]

Breathing right helps me. Is what I'm saying.

[deadly_ned]

How do you choose which part of your lung to breathe from? Is that a conscious decision?

[godsays]

Breathe from deep inside you. From your belly.

[deadly_ned]

I have acid reflux. The breath I take from my belly might spill up in less pleasant ways up to my mouth.

[godsays]

I don't know what that is. But it's not the same as forcing something up out of your stomach.

What do you mean by 'surrounded by death'?