001 - Rhubarb

[deadly_ned]

[Young Ned was eight years, one hundred and twelve days, ten hours, and twenty-three minutes old when he took a ride on his first boat. It was, he recalled, little bigger than a ferry, and had been a part of a seaside vacation with his mother. The waves had rocked the little boat, the ride was lonely and boring, and his beloved dog, Digby, wasn't there to play with him. Young Ned hadn't liked it. He liked it even less thirty-three minutes later when he promptly vomited over the starboard bow.

It is now fifty-eight minutes and twenty seconds since the Piemaker arrived on the Barge via the mysterious and altogether rather upsetting administrations of the ship's administrator, the Admiral. He was having...difficulty adjusting to the change. And while this boat was significantly larger and more stable than the tiny boat that had rocked so violently all those years ago, he discovered to his unhappiness that the waves, too, had increased in size and threat.]


I think I'm going to vomit.


Which is not to say I'm seasick. I'm not. The boat is stable. Surprisingly. I'm sick because I'm slow to adjusting to change and this is a...big, big change and a new beginning and I do not...I'm not a fan of new beginnings.

Ah.

Hello. My name is Ned. It's um. I would say it's nice to be here but I've just had two different people...sing at me very loudly and that's. Upsetting. And not at all nice.

I will try to make things nicer while I'm here.

Comments

[takeyouapart]

Hello, Ned.

I don't know how much you've been told, but what's happened is the result of a Barge event called a flood. There's no real water involved - they affect certain people at random and change them somehow.

This week it's...making people burst into song. They only last a few days.

[deadly_ned]

That...seems like an odd thing for a flood to do. Especially a flood without water. A flood without water that makes people....sing.


I'm not so sure I was prepared for this.

[takeyouapart]

I don't think anyone really is, when they first arrive here. It's something you have to get used to.

[deadly_ned]

Ah.


Well that just...speaks to bureaucratic mismanagement, doesn't it? I mean. I don't want to insult whoever's running the show or in this case steering the boat but it seems a little counterproductive to invite people up onto your showboat and not tell them that midway around the third act there's a breakout musical number and you're supposed to play along.

Not a happy surprise.

[takeyouapart]

I think that might be why he doesn't tell people.

[deadly_ned]

Obviously he didn't think anyone would actually come willingly until they were already here.

That's...devious. Is it always so devious around here?

[yeahscience]

Uh, what are you talking about? This flood is awesome. This is one of the best ones ever.

[deadly_ned]

I have little to no basis for comparison. This is my first flood, which simultaneously makes it both the best and the worst.

Hello.

[yeahscience]

Yeah, well, enjoy this while it lasts, yo. Not to scare you off, but the next one probably ain't gonna be so nice.

Anyways, 'sup. I'm Jesse.

[deadly_ned]

More surprises.

Yay.

I'm beginning to suspect this deal may be a good deal more complicated than originally thought.

Jesse. Hi. Jesse. Can I bother you with a further inquiry that has little or nothing to do with flooding?

[yeahscience]

[Did you know you talk like a tweaker, new dude? Jesse raises a brow.] Yeah. What's up?

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker did, in fact, know this.]


Where's the kitchen?

[yeahscience]

Level one. Hopefully it hasn't been picked clean yet like the art room has. There's some... stuff going on.

[deadly_ned]

Stuff? What sort of stuff?

[megamind]

Oh, don't puke on deck. We might have night two of our laser-lights and open-mic for the flood, and I don't want to have to mop that up.

[deadly_ned]

I'm not going to puke on deck.

Nor will I be in the vicinity of any laser lights or open mics.


...Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice but I feel compelled to ask and please stop me if this is extremely rude.

Are you blue?

And I don't mean blue as in sad, though obviously I can see why anyone would be but I meant more in the literal sense of the word.

..I'm sorry. I shouldn't be staring. This is...very rude of me.

[takeyouapart]

Well, it's a prison, sort of. There's always going to be a bit of...deviousness.

[deadly_ned]

Right. Prison. I keep forgetting. I see boat and my mind does not automatically gravitate to prison. It gravitates to seasickness and middle-aged people in Hawaiian shirts and pirates, of which there thankfully seems to be very little.

[takeyouapart]

No, I don't think the Barge has any of that at all. You'll adjust, I promise.

What do you do at home, Ned?

[deadly_ned]

You seem abruptly sure of that.

I'm a piemaker. I make...pies.

And...investigate murders...?

Mostly as a side job to the piemaking.

[yeahscience]

Just, like... systems going on and off, stuff disappearing. Like a glitch. I do the art room and NA and like half my shit's gone right now.

[deadly_ned]

..I'm sorry. That's awful. I don't know how I would feel if someone just came into my kitchen and took away all my rolling pins.


Wait. Yes I would. I would feel angry and violated.

[yeahscience]

Mostly pissed off and bored.

So you're, like, a legit cook? Can you do Mexican?

[deadly_ned]

Mexican food? I. Yes. Yes I can.

But I'm not a cook. I'm a baker. There's a subtle but incontrovertible difference.

[yeahscience]

Empanadas?