040 - Boysenberry

[deadly_ned]

[Locked to Esther Coleman]


Hi, Esther.

The, um.

The Admiral paired us up for July. I don't know if you saw.

Are you busy?

Comments

[deadly_ned]

It keeps me up at night.

[Noise fills the kitchen as the Piemaker grinds the beans, emptying them into the machine when he's finished. He turns around, leaning against the kitchen counter with his hands in his pockets]

So did you want to...talk now, or wait until the coffee?

[beingdifferent]

[Esther hesitates, gently nudging Digby with her toe. To begin talking is more difficult than the decision to talk.]



Were you ever afraid of me?

[deadly_ned]

[Digby, under the table, flicks his ears up but doesn't move. He's pretty damn patient.

The Piemaker seems to hesitate, considering the question in thought. Finally, he says,]

There's only one person on the Barge who I'm afraid of. You're not him.

[beingdifferent]

[She lowers her eyes to the table and nods. It was what she had hoped for, but more than she expected.]

I'm sorry you're afraid.

I still don't know what the people here believe about me.

[deadly_ned]

Being afraid is - used to be - a part of my life. But oddly, I think this fear is a good fear. Compared to what I was afraid of before.

I'm sorry, that didn't make sense.

It's...difficult, to come back from that kind of breach of trust. When you misrepresent yourself, and people give you their trust, they're...hurt, and angry. It takes time. For the hurt to heal, or for an agreement to be made about a fresh start.

What do you want them to believe?

[beingdifferent]

You mean it's fear of a real threat, and not just a possibility.

["Misrepresent." It stuns Esther that anyone can fault her for that, and makes her tense a little. Maybe posing as something better than she is was misrepresentation, but would it have been at all better to admit she was abominable?]

I don't want them to believe I'm the way that I am.

[deadly_ned]

There are plenty of real threats on the Barge. I'm afraid of the one that gets inside your own head, instead of the ones that come from the outside.

[He hesitates before asking his next question, staring down into the waiting-to-be-filled mug]

Do you not like the way that you are?

[beingdifferent]

[She looks up at him in astonishment; the fact that she doesn't, that she can't and neither could anyone else, seems so obvious to her that it never occurred to her anyone else might see it.]

Of course not!

[deadly_ned]

[He hesitates, not too anxious to go too quickly into this conversation and risk upsetting Esther on her first day. But the Piemaker nods after a second, and is saved by the coffee maker wrapping up. He turns to grab two cups - both with golden retrievers on them - and pour for him and Esther]

That's a shame.

[beingdifferent]

[Ned pouring the coffee gives Esther a few moments to compose herself and dial back her surprise. By the time he fills the mugs she is demure again.]

Thank you. It smells wonderful.

Why do you say that?

[deadly_ned]

[He gives a small smile at the compliment, setting out cream and sugar in front of Esther as well.]

It's only..

We're talking now. And I'm presuming you're you. Not a you you invented. Just...you.

And it's a decent conversation. I like talking with the you now. It's different from how you were before, but also parts are the same.

It just seems a shame to hide all of it, completely.