042 - Rhubarb

[deadly_ned]

[Sitting in his self-made pillow fort is the Piemaker, with a hand on his dog, Digby, and a rucksack over one shoulder. His room behind him is made up and neat]

I ought to have done this...maybe four or five months ago but change was never something I was particularly attuned to. Change and me were on different wavelengths.

I graduated two inmates and I'm...heading home. To Chuck.

And I just wanted to, to, um...


Thank you. Everyone, all of you. For..making the changing easier and for letting me stay as long as I have and for making this place harder and harder to leave.

It's hard to leave. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done even though I know it's time. Past time. That...probably says more about my time spent here than anything else I could say.

...Yeah. I know I'm stalling now, so I'll just...

Thank you. For the memories.

[Private to Bleu]

I'm sorry I wasn't so much here for you as I should have been. Is there anything I can do for you? Before I go.

[Private to Hannibal]

I'll be checking in, periodically. When I can. Your graduation was the one I wanted to see most.

[Private to Abigail]

I left the rest of the records in a box by your door. I'm hoping that wasn't too forward.

[Private to Esther]

You're better than you give yourself credit for. I really...really do hope you find your way.

[Private to Dean]

Dean, I...

I know you don't really know who I am. You don't owe me anything. At all.

But if I could just...see you. To say goodbye. It would mean everything.

Comments

[ Spam ]

[surfaceshine]

[It's almost a relief, and barely a disappointment, when Dean sees the DVDs, eyes tracking the other man's movement to set them on a counter built into the wall: they can't be his, of course, he never owned a TV or had space for extraneous, fragile possessions, and they're not exactly personal. What, then, is the point of this, though?]

What, exactly, would you like me to watch it on? That's if I even figure out how you're figuring they're mine.

[ Spam ]

[deadly_ned]

Some of the teenagers are setting up a movie night. I know you're...probably about a decade from teenager-hood, but it couldn't hurt to ask to borrow their set.

If you don't want them, you can throw them out after I leave.

[ Spam ]

[surfaceshine]

What's to stop me from throwing them out now?

[ Spam ]

[deadly_ned]

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'm just. Requesting that you wait until I'm gone. Not to do it in front of me.

Please.

[ Spam ]

[surfaceshine]

This is important to you.

[ Spam ]

[deadly_ned]

It really is.

I know it's not to you, but it is to me, and.

Really it's only a matter of waiting two more minutes until I'm out the door.

[ Spam ]

[surfaceshine]

[He's still, quiet, looking at the DVDs in question. They're not even any special kind of copies, not any special editions. Just the trilogy, complete on DVD.

The hunter shakes his head.]

I don't get it. I don't get you.

[ Spam ]

[deadly_ned]

I know. Most people don't.

Sorry. I'll stop bothering you now.

Good...luck with everything, here.

[ Spam ]

[surfaceshine]

[Dean doesn't say anything, doesn't blink, doesn't nod, doesn't move; he just looks at Ned, just watches him turn to go.

The Piemaker's hand is on the knob before Dean says, grinding through gritted teeth, something far more brittle than he ever intended:]

Wait.

[ Spam ]

[deadly_ned]

[At the doorway, the Piemaker halts, turning back around to look at Dean]

Yes?

[ Spam ]

[surfaceshine]

I'm sorry.

[He doesn't say it like most people would. It's not that it's not sincere. It's that he's still a little stunned that he has anything to apologize for, it's that he doesn't really believe that him being sorry will change anything, nor should it. What he can mean of it, he does.

Grudgingly.]

That I'm not who you wanted.

[ Spam ]

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker hesitates, mulling the apology over in his head, thinking it over.

Finally, he gives a rough, sad smile]

Don't be sorry.

The only person I want you to be is yourself.

[ Spam ]

[surfaceshine]

[But Dean shakes his head. Him being sorry doesn't change that the self he is has never been good enough. Ned wanting something off an inspirational poster doesn't change that he never will be good enough, and it doesn't even change that Ned is upset that he's not.

Dean is tired of letting people down.]

That's the problem. [He is himself. He can't be anyone but himself, not even for a moment.]

Go home.

[ Spam ]

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker is, truly, a walking inspirational poster some days. He gives a disappointed, sad swallow, and looks down at his hands]

Okay.

I'll..wish you luck, Dean.

[ Spam ]

[surfaceshine]

Keep it.

[This isn't hostile, though it is firm, it is definitive. Ned's going to need it more than Dean will - or if that is not explicitly true, then the problem is that Dean is going to need far more than luck to see a change in his own life. Better to leave it with Ned, if it really can be gifted. Better to leave it where it can do some amount of good, maybe.

Dean's already past saving, past luck. He moves to put the DVDs on the shelf, turning away from the Piemaker.]

[ Spam ]

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker closes his eyes, rather than display the hurt that's in them. He gives a tight, weary nod, and turns to go.

It's not the ending he might've hoped for, but he figures it's the best he can expect]