013 - Mile-High Apple

[deadly_ned]

I'm, um.

I'm leaving.

Thomas - my inmate - he's...graduated, he's left the Barge, so I think that's...probably my cue to leave too.

I'm...terrible at goodbyes, and let's be completely honest, I'm quiet enough that most of the Barge doesn't know I'm actually here, so I doubt I need to stay very long.

That sounds terrible.

I'm sorry. Something's come up. I have to go.

[The Piemaker - nervous, clearly hiding something, and agitated - leans over to shut off his communicator. Unbeknownst to him, he'll be back in a matter of days for reasons not clearly stated in this post]

[Private to the Marquis de Carabas]

And now it doesn't matter what you know.

Good luck graduating, you....bad, bad person.

Comments

private

[mattersverymuch]

Tell me the rules.

private

[deadly_ned]

It works on anything dead. People, plants, animals. I can't cook with meat, I can't wear fur, and autumn is a very, very dangerous time of the year for me.

Touch a dead thing back to life, and there's a minute grace period. Sixty seconds. After those sixty seconds are up, you have a choice to make. You can either touch the thing you touched again and it goes back to being dead, forever. Or you can leave that thing alive longer than a minute, and something else, randomly chosen in the near proximity of approximately the same life value will die.

And just because you've let something else live past the sixty second mark doesn't mean they're safe. Anything I make alive again, if I touch at any point I'll kill them forever.


Also those that remain living tend to...not die of natural causes. They can still die by accidents or homicide, but...

I touched my dog Digby when I was ten years old. Nineteen years later and he's still alive and well with no signs of aging. It's..


I worry it's immortality. For a given value of immortality - there's a reason I don't let Digby out in traffic.


And that's it. Those are the rules, as I'm led to understand them through a near-lifetime of experimentation, trial and error.

private

[mattersverymuch]

I see.

[Immortality.]

Your debt's cleared, then. Don't you feel better?

private

[deadly_ned]

Immensely. I can go back with a clean conscience.

private

[mattersverymuch]

Best of luck to you, then.

private

[deadly_ned]

And you. I'm sorry for calling you a bad person. I was angry.

private

[mattersverymuch]

[. . .]

[And he's just gonna start laughing here, Ned, sorry.]

private

[deadly_ned]

You're a professional moment-ruiner.

private

[mattersverymuch]

Of course. My secondary title.

private

[deadly_ned]

I'll be sure to send over your engraved placards.

private

[mattersverymuch]

The depths of your kindness are unplumbable.

private

[deadly_ned]

And a pie. But I think you'd be sick of pie by now.

private

[mattersverymuch]

Food is always valuable.

private

[deadly_ned]

I don't want you to find value in it. I want you to eat it so that your smile looks more heartfelt and less predatory. If you're hungry for pie it means you won't be as hungry for me.

private

[mattersverymuch]

I don't think that will work.

private

[deadly_ned]

Stop trying to eat me with your face.

private

[mattersverymuch]

I will, in half an hour. Remember?

private

[deadly_ned]

Of course I do. I've set my watch to it.

private

[mattersverymuch]

Then perhaps you'll relax a little, in whatever quiet world you come from.

private

[deadly_ned]

I admit it's very...sheltered, compared to the Barge.

private

[mattersverymuch]

That explains a great deal.

private

[deadly_ned]

I did my best not to become emotionally attached to anyone. You can probably guess why that is.

private

[mattersverymuch]

Sensible, in theory. But you failed.

private

[deadly_ned]

I lasted a long time. Almost two decades.

private

[mattersverymuch]

Not nearly long enough.