026 - Cranapple

[deadly_ned]

[Flushed bright from his Thanksgiving dinner at the Winchester home and the port that came before it, it's a half-smiling Piemaker that turns on his communicator one frosty December morning]

I know what I have to do.

To feel better. I know what I have to do to feel better and come back and be a good, responsible warden Alpha can rely on.

I need to go see Chuck. Recharge the batteries, get a fresh outlook and wash down the tables and restart the day again.

I think I'm going home for the day.

Comments

[deadly_ned]

No. It's not fair to let Digby suffer because of people abusing my gift. He's an innocent party. So's Alpha.

I'd say so. Yes.

[routemistress]

This is why I'm not ...all right, I am looking into protection type training, it's fun for 'em. But mostly I'm making sure I can stop 'em jumping in if things go tits up. These two've been collateral damage once already and that's once too much.

[deadly_ned]

They'd want to defend you if things go...mmn. They're good dogs like that.

[routemistress]

They would. I do 'ave certain advantages in the training department, mind - no room for translation errors like you get with humans. But Elvis especially needs reminding a lot that I get to decide when 'e bites anyone.

[deadly_ned]

Have you decided who he gets to bite?

[routemistress]

I'm mostly going with no one, it's safest.

Though once I get some of them bite sleeves and things I might call for volunteers. This is about keeping 'im out of trouble. Yes, you.

[Elvis, who knows when he's being talked about as any dog does, has parked his front end across Iris' lap and is making noseprints on her comm screen.]

[deadly_ned]

I'm surprised you haven't genetically engineered them to be smarter or..faster, or less stubborn.

[routemistress]

...Ned, seriously? Why would I do a thing like that?

[deadly_ned]

Trying to engineer the perfect pet?

[routemistress]

Fine. Shall I do Alpha while I'm at it and all?

[deadly_ned]

Dogs and people are different. I only mentioned it because I knew them. Breeders. Who created the perfect dog. Hypoallergenic, friendly, smart, loyal.

[routemistress]

Not that different. They've got personalities, they've got a certain degree of self-awareness. You can't muck about with that for convenience.

Well, you can, but it's crossing into villain territory in my book. This "perfect dog" - how'd they get it? Just selective breeding?

[deadly_ned]

Selective breeding. Yes.

His name was Bubblegum.

[routemistress]

Hmmm.

...I've got complicated feelings about that. I wouldn't exist as I am without something very like that 'aving gone on already. But that's not the same as taking me and going, "hmm, she'd be perfect if I just tweaked 'er self control and built in an obedience circuit".

They've got intelligence and loyalty built in anyway, dogs. I s'pose the allergy thing could be useful. I'd still draw the line at messing with a dog that's already 'ere, though.

[deadly_ned]

Dogs are domesticated animals bred for a purpose. Companionship or to protect the family or to help hunt.

I'm not saying it's right or not. But genetic modification has been going on for as long as wolves turned into dogs. In a way.

[routemistress]

So was I bred for a purpose. Me and everyone like me. No, I agree wth you, more or less. I just... I s'pose I don't place a lot of value on perfection. That's not where you find the interesting stuff.

[deadly_ned]

You would breed for interest?

I'm going to have to come back in about five hundred years, aren't I?

[routemistress]

I don't really want to breed at all. Dogs or people. We're never exactly short of 'omeless ones, are we?

[deadly_ned]

That's true. In one universe or another.

[routemistress]

That's why I love this boat so. It's a good place for us.

[deadly_ned]

Pairing the homeless?

[routemistress]

Don't knock it. If I could get Panda to sign up I'd be set for life 'ere.

[deadly_ned]

Who's Panda?

[routemistress]

My best friend that I've travelled with for years. I 'ad me warden item made to look like 'im.

[She holds up her stuffed toy panda to show him.]

'E's not convinced a ten inch stuffed warden'll be taken seriously enough round 'ere. I 'aven't managed to win that argument yet, I'm afraid.

[deadly_ned]

And Panda...talks to you?