027 - Friendship Raisin

[deadly_ned]

[In room 1-18, the door is open. The lights are on. And the smell of flour baking in the oven is wafting suspiciously out into the hall.

After two months, the Piemaker is making pies again]

[Private to Iris]

Question.


[Private to the Admiral]

I don't normally.

This is the first time I'm making a.


Right.


In no particular order;

For Ceres, a copy of The Feminine Mystique.

For Ellie, a giant dog-shaped pillow. A really giant one. The size of a twin bed one.

For Ben, a set of board games to play with two or more people.

For John Crichton, a copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

For Dr. Lecter...I'll make him a pie. You don't need to give it. I'm doing that one now.

For Selina....I feel a little bit odd giving someone a living pet, but I think she'd be all right with a kitten. If she's not okay with it or you can't do it, Digby and I will take it in. But I think she might want it.

For David Cain, a photo album of pictures of Cassandra.

For Snow White..am I really giving weapons for Christmas? All right. I guess....a dagger would be. Yes.

For Morgana, a landscape painting of her home.

For Marsh...Does he have a sewing machine? Maybe a loom would be better. Okay. Loom. It's what he does.

For Red, I'd like for her to get sheepskin gloves and a scarf. Just for. Pun reasons.

For Lua, a traveler's suitcase with all essentials packed for self-sufficiency.

For the Emperor, a star map detailing the worlds he ruled.

For Raven...Not especially sure but I think maybe a reversible coat would go over well. One that switches color.

For Abigail...I have a feeling she's going to get me a terrible joke book. If she is, I'd like to give her the same one. Taste of her own medicine.

For Esther..does she have a dollhouse yet?

For Iris, some of Chuck's honey and cheese. With the cheese in the shape of her bus.

For Door, I'm making a pie. But I'd also like it if you gave her a walkie-talkie and planted the other in the Marquis' room. I'd like to say it was for emergencies but really we're just going to. Prank him.

For Arthas, the game Risk.

For The Marquis, a coupon book of very specific favors. "This coupon is good for one favor between the months of May and October but only on the weekends between the hours of 6pm and midnight."

For Riddick, a culinary blowtorch that doubles as a weapon. Because. You know. Enemies sneaking up on you when you're trying to make a souffle. And for Partner, a toy shaped like one of his natural predators.

For Dean..Pie. Again. And a AAA membership. Tied to whatever...fake IDs he has.

For Alpha...

I was going to do something practical. Something that could urge him towards graduation. But that's not very..fun at all.

Hold off on Alpha for a moment. I need to talk to Iris.

Comments

[private]

[routemistress]

What can I do you for, Ned love?

[private]

[deadly_ned]

Do you still have your bio lab?

[private]

[routemistress]

Aye - most of the work I were doing weren't on the bus. What're you after?

[private]

[deadly_ned]

Would you.

This is kind of a weird question.

Could you take Digby's DNA and use it to make a new puppy?

[private]

[routemistress]

[See Iris' face light up because someone wants her to do science.]

Oooh. Easy as ...easier than anything. I can't swear you'll be able to touch the puppy or make any promises about 'is lifespan - depends exactly 'ow your thing translates in the biodata, you get me?

But a dog like Digby, that I can do all right. Bring 'im up after lunch, we'll get started.

[private]

[deadly_ned]

I don't need to touch it. Alpha needs to touch it.

I was going to maybe consider asking Riddick and you if you could take your dogs and make a sort of puppy DNA stew but that seemed a little overreaching.

I will. Thank you.

[private]

[routemistress]

[She snorts with laughter.]

Partner's undead and mine are temporal anomalies and they're from different planets. Between that and getting barged - well. Probably better to stick with Digby.

[private]

[deadly_ned]

Digby's undead too. Technically.

But. You're right. We'll stick with Digby.

And it won't hurt him?

[private]

[routemistress]

'Course it won't. No more than getting 'is shots at the vet. Which I s'pose 'e's not needed for a while... interesting, that. But no. I'd not try anything if it would, Ned, you know that.

[private]

[deadly_ned]

No. He doesn't get sick. I think it has to do with bacteria not having a chance to settle on him. Or something. I'm not a geneticist.


No. I should've known. Thank you, Iris. Really.

I think Alpha'll appreciate it. Or I hope he will.

And it'll be a new dog?

[private]

[routemistress]

Aye. Digby's as much a product of 'is timeline as 'is genetics, and not all of that reproduces - or should reproduce. But they'll start from the same baseline.

I think 'e will too. I think it's a great plan.

[private]

[deadly_ned]

I just thought Alpha would benefit from someone like him. And he seems to like Digby. And Digby will never have puppies. So this is..something close.

spam

[versusnurture]

[Generally, Abigail has been leaving Ned alone. She's pretty sure he won't want to talk to her after what happened, and anyway, he has enough to deal with on his own without adding her problems onto it.]

[But this is an unmistakable smell, and it surprises her enough that she pokes her head around the door.]

[Slowly, she smiles, then covers her mouth with her hand. He's baking again.]

spam

[deadly_ned]

[In the same old kitchen, the Piemaker seems to be making up for lost time. Digby sits on the floor amidst a hurricane of pies: some baked, some ready to jump into the oven, some only containing a pie crust.

Up to his elbows in flour and dough, the Piemaker kneads out another crust, too involved in his work to notice just who is poking their head in.]

spam

[versusnurture]

[He's got flour in his hair and a big piece of dough stuck to his elbow. She bites her lip to keep from grinning. After a moment, she crouches down and pats her knee for Digby to come, then clears her throat.]

Ned?

spam

[deadly_ned]

[Digby hears Abigail before the Piemaker does. He lifts up his head and, interested, picks himself up and trots over to her obediently.

The Piemaker only looks up when his name is called. He freezes, as if caught in something dirty]

Abigail. Hi.

spam

[versusnurture]

You're baking.

[She's smiling bright, ear to ear, and scratching Digby under his chin.]

Don't - don't stop. I didn't mean to interrupt.

spam

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker looks after Digby's going, before turning back to Abigail. He hunches his shoulders awkwardly and resumes kneading, letting the familiar feeling drag him back to his place of serenity]

I am. Baking.

Or kneading now, but it's the same general concept.

spam

[versusnurture]

I'm glad, [she says quietly. Digby looks glad, too, she thinks, or maybe slightly bewildered by all the flying dough.]

I don't have any baking jokes. So you're safe.

spam

[deadly_ned]

I have too many. But I try not to overwhelm company with them.

[Digby by now is used to when the Piemaker gets into random stress-baking moods, and does his best to stay well out of the line of fire. There may be blue patches in his fur where he accidentally rolled in some spilled blueberries. He nuzzles Abigail's leg. Hide him from this madness]

Did you. Have a good Christmas? Or are having, I should say.

spam

[versusnurture]

[Sitting down on the flour-strewn floor, she begins picking blueberry mush out of Digby's fur. She sometimes hides her smile by pressing her face into his neck. She feels like she's brimming with joy.]

It wouldn't overwhelm me. You should tell me sometime.

It was - it's actually really good? [Aside from Hannibal's gift, which she's shoved to the back of her closet and attempted to forget about.] It feels normal. Pretty normal, anyway.

spam

[deadly_ned]

[At Abigail's happiness, Digby wags his tail but remains sitting beside her, patiently letting her dig the mush from his coat]

Maybe I'll rise to the occasion, then.

[Stealth punning, as he carefully layers strips of pastry over a pie, smiling but not looking up at Abigail]

Normal for the Barge? I didn't realize we did normal.

spam

[versusnurture]

[Snorting, she throws a relatively solid blueberry at him, then gets back to work.]

Normal like - nothing terrible happened. General weirdness, but no catastrophes. Like being at home used to be. It's nice.

And you're baking. So.

spam

[deadly_ned]

[The blueberry hits the Piemaker and bounces lightly off his cheek. With a light flash, it turns from a whole, ripe fruit to a shriveled, black thing. The Piemaker gives a half grin, picking up the now-dead berry and dropping it into the trash beside him]

General weirdness. I was hoping the Barge was relaxing after its...Halloween ordeal. I don't think I could have taken another so soon.

What's being at home like?

spam

[versusnurture]

It seems relaxed. I feel relaxed. I don't feel - scared.

[Just sad. Sad and guilty. And, okay, maybe a little scared, but compared to her normal levels . . . it doesn't register.]

[She rests her head against Digby's.]

It was nice. Just - calm and sweet. We had a house in the suburbs. I went to a normal school. It was just like everybody else's life.

spam

[deadly_ned]

[Digby does his job as the Barge comfort dog, and lolls his tongue out of his mouth, contentedly being there for Abigail.]


I wouldn't really know what everyone else's life is like. Just my life.

spam

[versusnurture]

Everybody else I knew, I mean. A mom and a dad and a kid or two. That's how my friends' families were, too. But none of them turned out to be cannibals, I guess.

What was your family like?

spam

[deadly_ned]

No. I guess that must have...come as a shock.

My family was....

Mine..



We started out like yours did. I think. House in the suburbs with a...dog and. Yeah.

When I was around seven, my dad left one day and didn't come back. He was always sort of. Distant, and traveling. So one day he traveled further and never came back.

And then it was my mother and me. Until it wasn't. My mother died when I was ten...due to...magic finger complications on my part but also as part of a brain aneurysm and.


....


Anyway. My dad came back for the funeral. He picked me up in his car. Packed my things. Dropped me off at boarding school and told me he'd be back.

Which he wasn't. Ever. I never saw him again.


No, sorry. I saw him once more, when he sent me a pre-printed postcard on Halloween telling me he'd moved houses. So I went to the address printed on the card and it turned out he'd had a new wife. And new, twin sons.

And..I went back to boarding school and stayed there. And grew up. And never heard from him again.

So then it was only me from ten until thirty.

And then at thirty Chuck decided to reunite me with the little bastards who stole my father from me and he'd...abandoned them when they were younger too so now it's me...Maurice....and Ralston.

My twin half brothers.

spam

[versusnurture]

[What an asshole, she privately thinks regarding Ned's father, and something in her face settles into total disapproval. At least until he mentions Maurice and Ralston. Which she had no idea about. What the heck, Ned, you're full of secrets.]

You have brothers? Do they know you're here?

Re: spam

[deadly_ned]

I have brothers. Yes. Two of them, although given my dad's track record I'm tempted to guess there may be more half-siblings out there with all the same eyebrows. He was sort of a serial abandoner. If two abandoned families make up a pattern.

They know I'm...not...there. They don't know I'm here-here.

They're. Magicians. So they're usually working nights and I'm usually working days so we don't...

Their act is "Two for the Price of One."

spam

[versusnurture]

"Two for the Price of One". Oh my god. That's really cute. And really cheesy. And they both have your eyebrows.

[This is the best news she has ever received.]

But you don't like magic.

spam

[deadly_ned]

It's really...something. And no. Magic tends to give me acid reflux. My dad used to be a magician. Feel free to make whatever disappearing act puns are appropriate.

[srsly abigail this cuteness is a little worrying]

...I have a picture in my wallet. Two pictures. If you'd like to see. Chuck made me take it before I left for the Barge the first time.

spam

[versusnurture]

[BUT NED, IT'S REALLY CUTE. And she's really excited. And the narration would like to point out that she is exactly the appropriate amount of excited given the subject matter at hand.]

Let me see!

[She pulls the pictures close and scrutinizes them, then stares up at Ned seriously.]

Yep. Same eyebrows. And I don't make dad jokes.

They're lucky to have you, you know?

spam

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker gives an awkward if warm grin and allows Abigail to look over his half-brothers]

I don't know about lucky. They're both grown up by now and they lasted this long without me.

spam

[versusnurture]

[She just gives him a severe look.]

I'm lucky to have you, too. And I'm grown up. And dead.

spam

[deadly_ned]

....Okay. You've convinced me.

Not dead right now, though. Somewhere else, maybe. But you're alive in the here and now.

Anyway. My brothers don't know about this. Any of this. They think I'm on a sight-seeing tour of all the pie factories in Belgium.

I don't actually know if there are many pie factories in Belgium.

spam

[versusnurture]

Let's just say un-dead-ish and agree to compromise.

[She thinks about this for a moment.] When I think of Europe, I think of handmade pie. I don't know why. Or cake. And I think Belgium is chocolate? But I guess they wouldn't be pie experts, would they. That's your job.

Re: spam

[deadly_ned]

Undead-ish. I used to always distrust that word.

Chocolate pie then.

And no.

They're magicians. Like I said.

[canfindrope]

[Pie? How can Red not stick her nose in for pie? It's... pie.]

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker is happy to take in strays and glances up as Red nears his kitchen. He gives a warm, shy smile and continues to work at the dough]

Hi.

[canfindrope]

Hi. [She stands there, trying to get a look at what he's making.]

[deadly_ned]

[Surprise, it's a pie. Cherry this time, with the stems cut off sitting in a bowl ready to be put in. The Piemaker begins the lattice work with the dough in front of him]


Getting hungry?

[canfindrope]

It smells good. [She smiles faintly.]

[deadly_ned]

Thanks. Thank you.

I just thought it was time to be back in the kitchen.