deadly_ned | 027 - Friendship Raisin

[In room 1-18, the door is open. The lights are on. And the smell of flour baking in the oven is wafting suspiciously out into the hall.

After two months, the Piemaker is making pies again]

[Private to Iris]

Question.

[Private to the Admiral]

I don't normally.

This is the first time I'm making a.

Right.

In no particular order;

For Ceres, a copy of The Feminine Mystique.

For Ellie, a giant dog-shaped pillow. A really giant one. The size of a twin bed one.

For Ben, a set of board games to play with two or more people.

For John Crichton, a copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

For Dr. Lecter...I'll make him a pie. You don't need to give it. I'm doing that one now.

For Selina....I feel a little bit odd giving someone a living pet, but I think she'd be all right with a kitten. If she's not okay with it or you can't do it, Digby and I will take it in. But I think she might want it.

For David Cain, a photo album of pictures of Cassandra.

For Snow White..am I really giving weapons for Christmas? All right. I guess....a dagger would be. Yes.

For Morgana, a landscape painting of her home.

For Marsh...Does he have a sewing machine? Maybe a loom would be better. Okay. Loom. It's what he does.

For Red, I'd like for her to get sheepskin gloves and a scarf. Just for. Pun reasons.

For Lua, a traveler's suitcase with all essentials packed for self-sufficiency.

For the Emperor, a star map detailing the worlds he ruled.

For Raven...Not especially sure but I think maybe a reversible coat would go over well. One that switches color.

For Abigail...I have a feeling she's going to get me a terrible joke book. If she is, I'd like to give her the same one. Taste of her own medicine.

For Esther..does she have a dollhouse yet?

For Iris, some of Chuck's honey and cheese. With the cheese in the shape of her bus.

For Door, I'm making a pie. But I'd also like it if you gave her a walkie-talkie and planted the other in the Marquis' room. I'd like to say it was for emergencies but really we're just going to. Prank him.

For Arthas, the game Risk.

For The Marquis, a coupon book of very specific favors. "This coupon is good for one favor between the months of May and October but only on the weekends between the hours of 6pm and midnight."

For Riddick, a culinary blowtorch that doubles as a weapon. Because. You know. Enemies sneaking up on you when you're trying to make a souffle. And for Partner, a toy shaped like one of his natural predators.

For Dean..Pie. Again. And a AAA membership. Tied to whatever...fake IDs he has.

For Alpha...

I was going to do something practical. Something that could urge him towards graduation. But that's not very..fun at all.

Hold off on Alpha for a moment. I need to talk to Iris.

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It seems relaxed. I feel relaxed. I don't feel - scared.

[Just sad. Sad and guilty. And, okay, maybe a little scared, but compared to her normal levels . . . it doesn't register.]

[She rests her head against Digby's.]

It was nice. Just - calm and sweet. We had a house in the suburbs. I went to a normal school. It was just like everybody else's life.

[Digby does his job as the Barge comfort dog, and lolls his tongue out of his mouth, contentedly being there for Abigail.]

I wouldn't really know what everyone else's life is like. Just my life.

Everybody else I knew, I mean. A mom and a dad and a kid or two. That's how my friends' families were, too. But none of them turned out to be cannibals, I guess.

What was your family like?

No. I guess that must have...come as a shock.

My family was....

Mine..

We started out like yours did. I think. House in the suburbs with a...dog and. Yeah.

When I was around seven, my dad left one day and didn't come back. He was always sort of. Distant, and traveling. So one day he traveled further and never came back.

And then it was my mother and me. Until it wasn't. My mother died when I was ten...due to...magic finger complications on my part but also as part of a brain aneurysm and.

....

Anyway. My dad came back for the funeral. He picked me up in his car. Packed my things. Dropped me off at boarding school and told me he'd be back.

Which he wasn't. Ever. I never saw him again.

No, sorry. I saw him once more, when he sent me a pre-printed postcard on Halloween telling me he'd moved houses. So I went to the address printed on the card and it turned out he'd had a new wife. And new, twin sons.

And..I went back to boarding school and stayed there. And grew up. And never heard from him again.

So then it was only me from ten until thirty.

And then at thirty Chuck decided to reunite me with the little bastards who stole my father from me and he'd...abandoned them when they were younger too so now it's me...Maurice....and Ralston.

My twin half brothers.

[What an asshole, she privately thinks regarding Ned's father, and something in her face settles into total disapproval. At least until he mentions Maurice and Ralston. Which she had no idea about. What the heck, Ned, you're full of secrets.]

You have brothers? Do they know you're here?

I have brothers. Yes. Two of them, although given my dad's track record I'm tempted to guess there may be more half-siblings out there with all the same eyebrows. He was sort of a serial abandoner. If two abandoned families make up a pattern.

They know I'm...not...there. They don't know I'm here-here.

They're. Magicians. So they're usually working nights and I'm usually working days so we don't...

Their act is "Two for the Price of One."

"Two for the Price of One". Oh my god. That's really cute. And really cheesy. And they both have your eyebrows.

[This is the best news she has ever received.]

But you don't like magic.

It's really...something. And no. Magic tends to give me acid reflux. My dad used to be a magician. Feel free to make whatever disappearing act puns are appropriate.

[srsly abigail this cuteness is a little worrying]

...I have a picture in my wallet. Two pictures. If you'd like to see. Chuck made me take it before I left for the Barge the first time.

Edited 2014-01-02 02:16 (UTC)

[BUT NED, IT'S REALLY CUTE. And she's really excited. And the narration would like to point out that she is exactly the appropriate amount of excited given the subject matter at hand.]

Let me see!

[She pulls the pictures close and scrutinizes them, then stares up at Ned seriously.]

Yep. Same eyebrows. And I don't make dad jokes.

They're lucky to have you, you know?

[The Piemaker gives an awkward if warm grin and allows Abigail to look over his half-brothers]

I don't know about lucky. They're both grown up by now and they lasted this long without me.

[She just gives him a severe look.]

I'm lucky to have you, too. And I'm grown up. And dead.

....Okay. You've convinced me.

Not dead right now, though. Somewhere else, maybe. But you're alive in the here and now.

Anyway. My brothers don't know about this. Any of this. They think I'm on a sight-seeing tour of all the pie factories in Belgium.

I don't actually know if there are many pie factories in Belgium.

Let's just say un-dead-ish and agree to compromise.

[She thinks about this for a moment.] When I think of Europe, I think of handmade pie. I don't know why. Or cake. And I think Belgium is chocolate? But I guess they wouldn't be pie experts, would they. That's your job.

Undead-ish. I used to always distrust that word.

Chocolate pie then.

And no.

They're magicians. Like I said.

Edited 2014-01-15 04:22 (UTC)

027 - Friendship Raisin

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