006 - Sour Apple

[deadly_ned]

What do you do when you're living in a wide-awake nightmare and every single breath you take you wish with all the desperation you have that you could undo something you once did but didn't mean to because you didn't understand the consequences?

I know things are better now that I'm on the Barge but I don't know how long it's going to be until I can wake up without feeling panicked that it's all been nothing but a dream or that the Admiral will look at me and think I don't deserve to be here any longer.

And I don't know how precarious my position really is. We're all just...teetering, waiting for gravity to catch up with us until we take the final plunge and I know this is morbid but that's who I am. Morbid...Ned, who's surrounded by death and can't get away from it.

Maybe I just need sleeping pills.

[Ned is Affected by the flood and is more of a basket case than usual. He's been an unwilling guest of the American government since he was nine and revealed his secret gift and for the last twenty years has been a neurotic shut-in with limited access to non-military personnel. And he doesn't bake pies.]

Comments

[godsays]

I think it's what wardens are supposed to do here.

[ He's not really sure. He's new to this 'doing the right thing' thing. ]

...I mean. You're welcome.

I hope you'll consider telling yours.

[ Gently. He's surprised how easy gentleness comes to him, when he has had to be hard-edged his whole life. Perhaps his father was right; perhaps this is the part of him linked to the weak heart, the scars on his chest.

Perhaps Vin and Elend were right, and this is what makes him stronger.

Time will tell. ]

[deadly_ned]

I think it's what wardens are supposed to do to their inmates. Not to each other, and I know I should be...stronger than this, but some days I can't always put myself together as neatly as I'd like.


...I can't.

[godsays]

[ A tight nod. He understands the feeling. He is much better at pretending to calm, but his paranoia bleeds through. He's always burning metals, after all. He manipulates other's emotions too often. ]

We're all just pieces.

[deadly_ned]

And yet somehow I'm feeling...better about this.

Why am I feeling better?

[godsays]

[ He's pushed too far. He eases back on the touch.

A tilt of his head. ] Is that a bad thing?

[deadly_ned]

It's an unusual thing. I don't know what it means. My emotions are jumping ahead of my logic and it's a little...


Troubling.

[godsays]

Tends to be what emotions do.

I can go, if you want.

[deadly_ned]

Please don't go. I don't know why but I'm feeling..better. And if you leave I have the sinking feeling that this feeling will go away.

[godsays]

[ He nods, once. Agreement to stay.

It's true enough. Soothing and Rioting may create bold feelings in the moment, but the effects are always temporary. It's not at all a reliable way of manipulating someone. His instructions always impressed upon him to rely on other methods too. ]

You can ask me more. I don't mind telling my story.

[deadly_ned]

...All right...Zane.


How does the story go? After you were...ten, I mean.

[godsays]

Training.

I was Mistborn. There were ten metals I had to learn, ten powers. There was training in combat, and in etiquette, and in history and mathematics. During the day, I had to learn.

People who aren't Mistborn don't... it's hard for them to understand. Daytime, I was made into what my father wanted me to be. At night, the mists came out, and I was free.

We can Push and Pull on different sources of metal. But it's like pushing physically - if whatever you're working against is heavier than you, then you're the one who moves. So by pushing against metal that has nowhere to go, you can Jump into the air - you can fly, after a fashion.

More like half-controlled falling.

[deadly_ned]

That sounds...intensely complicated. And unfair and....I don't know what else.

I don't think I'd trade having powers for having freedom.

[godsays]

If I wasn't Mistborn, I don't know what I'd be.

[ It's part of his identity, right down to the heart. He is a creature of the mists. ]

That's why I stayed so long. I could have run away, but my father, terrible as he was - he was all I knew.

[deadly_ned]

That's the problem when you're nine and you're told you need to do this one thing all your life and that ends up being all you ever know.

[godsays]

[ A slow nod. ]

So you know how it feels.

[deadly_ned]

Only in relative, unspecific terms.

[godsays]

Is it a power that you have? The reason they keep you.

[deadly_ned]

I..no, I can't...talk about that. It's too specific and I.

I'm human and I don't have powers.

[godsays]

Why can't you talk about it?

[ He actually wants to know. He's listening. ]

[deadly_ned]

It's something I was told never to talk about. Talking about it put me in this situation to begin with.

[godsays]

I won't hurt you. I won't use you. And I keep secrets.

[ These are just assurances. He's not trying to force Ned to talk. ]

[deadly_ned]

I don't know if I can believe you.

..I'm sorry.

[godsays]

I understand.

Really.

[ He has an advantage: he doesn't have to trust people. He can manipulate them, nudge them. He can defend himself against most anything. ]

[deadly_ned]

...I think you do.

Which is strange because I've never known anyone before who could say they understood and mean it. I must be worse than I thought.

[godsays]

[ A hint of a smile. ]

Not hard to understand paranoia. Not with the kind of life I've lived.