001 - Rhubarb

[deadly_ned]

[Young Ned was eight years, one hundred and twelve days, ten hours, and twenty-three minutes old when he took a ride on his first boat. It was, he recalled, little bigger than a ferry, and had been a part of a seaside vacation with his mother. The waves had rocked the little boat, the ride was lonely and boring, and his beloved dog, Digby, wasn't there to play with him. Young Ned hadn't liked it. He liked it even less thirty-three minutes later when he promptly vomited over the starboard bow.

It is now fifty-eight minutes and twenty seconds since the Piemaker arrived on the Barge via the mysterious and altogether rather upsetting administrations of the ship's administrator, the Admiral. He was having...difficulty adjusting to the change. And while this boat was significantly larger and more stable than the tiny boat that had rocked so violently all those years ago, he discovered to his unhappiness that the waves, too, had increased in size and threat.]


I think I'm going to vomit.


Which is not to say I'm seasick. I'm not. The boat is stable. Surprisingly. I'm sick because I'm slow to adjusting to change and this is a...big, big change and a new beginning and I do not...I'm not a fan of new beginnings.

Ah.

Hello. My name is Ned. It's um. I would say it's nice to be here but I've just had two different people...sing at me very loudly and that's. Upsetting. And not at all nice.

I will try to make things nicer while I'm here.

Comments

[megamind]

Only the one guy. [ WHAT he's not going to lie he totally killed that jerk ] And he's dead now, so-- no big deal.

[deadly_ned]

Death has a way of making itself a very big deal, given the right circumstances.

How do you know he won't come back?

[megamind]

Because I atomized him.

[ Look don't argue you're sounding like Kay. ]

[deadly_ned]

That's not always a sure thing. Death is...tricky. Sometimes the things you think have disappeared suddenly reappear without warning in the worst of circumstances.

[megamind]

He's dead, okay. Dead.

[deadly_ned]

I know what dead is.



...I'm just saying that just because someone is dead doesn't mean they're gone forever.

[megamind]

Well, he better be.

[deadly_ned]

I would say that's a horrible thing to say but I don't actually...know the person. He could be awful for all I know. Worse than Hitler.

[megamind]

No, he was a hero. Noble, true, loved babies, all that.

[deadly_ned]

And he's a superhero.

And you don't think there's a way for him to come back.

Despite the existence of this barge and other pathways that may or may not exist to make death a mitigating factor, and who love to center on heroic, noble, true types of people.

[megamind]

You know what you can do to make friends on the barge? Can it.

[deadly_ned]

I'm sorry.


Does asking me to can it imply that we have a budding friendship?

[megamind]

I don't really do 'friendship' as a rule, okay.

[deadly_ned]

Can I be the exception to the rule?

[megamind]

What? Why?

[deadly_ned]

You're a good conversationalist and I feel we could have a mutually beneficial relationship based on friendly discourse.

Also I like learning new words from you. Like 'milquetoast.' You're like a Word of the Day calendar only more friendly and three-dimensional.

[megamind]

[ You'll learn a lot of mispronounced words, Ned. ]

That's a very-- interesting way to phrase any of that. Also how can you not know milquetoast?

[deadly_ned]

It's not a word I hear in day to day conversation. In my pie shop.

[megamind]

You have -- had? -- a pie shop.

[deadly_ned]

Called the Pie Hole.

[megamind]

As in "shut your..."?

[deadly_ned]

Yes.

[megamind]

Well, that's an interesting play on words.

[deadly_ned]

Thank you. It's also shaped somewhat like a pie. With a nice...stucco roof that forms the crust.

[megamind]

Sounds very thematic. Kind of trite, but the name makes up for it.