001 - Rhubarb

[deadly_ned]

[Young Ned was eight years, one hundred and twelve days, ten hours, and twenty-three minutes old when he took a ride on his first boat. It was, he recalled, little bigger than a ferry, and had been a part of a seaside vacation with his mother. The waves had rocked the little boat, the ride was lonely and boring, and his beloved dog, Digby, wasn't there to play with him. Young Ned hadn't liked it. He liked it even less thirty-three minutes later when he promptly vomited over the starboard bow.

It is now fifty-eight minutes and twenty seconds since the Piemaker arrived on the Barge via the mysterious and altogether rather upsetting administrations of the ship's administrator, the Admiral. He was having...difficulty adjusting to the change. And while this boat was significantly larger and more stable than the tiny boat that had rocked so violently all those years ago, he discovered to his unhappiness that the waves, too, had increased in size and threat.]


I think I'm going to vomit.


Which is not to say I'm seasick. I'm not. The boat is stable. Surprisingly. I'm sick because I'm slow to adjusting to change and this is a...big, big change and a new beginning and I do not...I'm not a fan of new beginnings.

Ah.

Hello. My name is Ned. It's um. I would say it's nice to be here but I've just had two different people...sing at me very loudly and that's. Upsetting. And not at all nice.

I will try to make things nicer while I'm here.

Comments

[deadly_ned]

[The Piemaker did, in fact, have one or more of these things. But he answered,]

No.

[megamind]

My point is made. [ Megamind pinched the bridge of his nose. ] I suggest you invest in relationships with people who do.

[deadly_ned]

You make it sound as if friendship is as easy to invest as a trip to the bank or a call to an accountant.


...IS there a friendship bank?

[megamind]

This is a prison. Friendship is relative and often at cost. This is definitely not a friendship bank.

[deadly_ned]

It's not a big stretch to imagine a friendship bank. Back where I live there's a company that will sell you friendships at a premium. The concept is nice, even if the implementation was not as well thought-out and, well. Murderous.

How much do you think you should pay for friendship? And can I take out a loan?

[megamind]

I don't really do 'friendship' [ not in any conventional manner anyway ] so you're asking the wrong guy there.

[deadly_ned]

Neither do I.

Who would you ask?

[megamind]

Stephanie Brown is social, well connected, and your typical smart, pretty blonde your woman. She probably is good at friends.

[deadly_ned]

And you would just...go up to her, introduce yourself and ask to be friends?

That seems forward, and a little rude, and not to mention I don't have much to bring to the friendship table.



Do you have many friends? Only of the few I have I sort of lucked into it in a way I don't think would be easy to replicate here.

[megamind]

She manages to deal with me and I am a giant-headed blue alien. Also that might actually work on her. She's a very nice young woman, and if she weren't a warden with possible ulterior motives in my redemption, I'd suspect she had some other sort of ulterior motive.

You could try, you know, conversing first. Ask her about her college plans. [ Because Megamind loves to harp on that with her. ]

[deadly_ned]

College plans.

As part of an ulterior motive to make friends so I'm not an easy mark.

You think that would go well.

[megamind]

Maybe not well.

But it'll sure be fun to watch.

[deadly_ned]

You're setting me up.

[megamind]

Mmmmmmmmmmaybe.

But no, seriously. Steph's a nice person and if she can't be friendly, I don't know who can. At the very least she's a good resource for a milquetoast new warden who is in way over his head could have.

Honestly, I'm doing you a favor with the namedrop.

[deadly_ned]

Not that I don't appreciate the favor. I'm just naturally suspicious of strangers blatantly setting me up for failure.

Are you going to keep calling me milquetoast? Is this a thing we have now?

[megamind]

No. Well, maybe. I don't really like nicknames, though, so I doubt I'll use it with any consistency. I mean, they're so....

But anyway. No, I'm not setting you up for failure. If I wanted to do that, I'd tell you to go hug Arthas and tell him all about yourself. But you'd be dead shortly thereafter and that'd be my bad, so... I'm not going to.

[ichoosefight]

Or I could nip this in the bud and say hi. I'm Steph. Ignore Megamind, we're all marks whether we can defend ourselves or not.

[deadly_ned]

Hi.


Steph. Steph or Stephanie?

I promise I was not going to come to you with ulterior motives concerning friendship banks.

[ichoosefight]

Whichever. [ She shrugs. Most people call her Steph but as long as he doesn't call her miss anything they'll both be happy. ]

Ulterior motives are overrated anyway. And I'm not even sure what a friendship bank is. Welcome to the barge.

[deadly_ned]

They're not very conducive to first timers looking to make an impression other than milquetoast-ish.

Thank you. My name's Ned. I'm. A warden, I guess.

[ichoosefight]

Hey, nice word.

And it's nice to meet you, Ned. Still feeling sick?

[megamind]

Hello, Stephanie! I'm sure you can show the nice man the ropes, right?

Make sure he understands it would be very bad to hug Arthas.

[ichoosefight]

I think Arthas covers that pretty well on his own. The man could probably kill you with a glare.

So are you my friendship accountant or something now?

[megamind]

Well, yes, if he had his full bank of murder powers, I imagine he could.

As for being your accountant: No. He asked who would be good at friendship and you are totally a friendly person. You qualify!

[ichoosefight]

I like to think I'm at least moderately skilled at friendship. It's sweet that I was first person you thought of.